Making a case for guy who murdered his wife by googling 'how to murder my wife'
Everyone deserves a good or comical defense
(picture via Fox News)
Murder is awful, especially when it involves a mother of three.
Assuming she was murdered, of course. Maybe she went to a farm like my last dog?
Police do not believe she was dropped off at a farm, unless it was in pieces. Massachusetts has charged Brian Walshe with the murder of his wife, Ana Walshe. Guy is doing himself no favors by looking like a hobo in court. He looks like he grooms himself to look like the main character from The Critic animated series
Or a more attractive George Conway.
Back to the case:
The facts are bad
No married man spends $500 on cleaning products, and if they do, they don’t appear to want to be married for long. Cleaning your place because you might get laid is a single guy move.
Married guys usually clean to get laid, but not ‘scrub the place like Mr. Clean is in your woman’s DMs’ clean. Married guys move things around, dust while watching TV, hire cleaners.
Maybe the guy got fed up with her never cleaning and he was a germaphobe.
Poor woman has been in the ground less than three weeks and already taking L’s from pre historic animals that couldn’t solve their era’s “climate change”.
Defendant/moron googled every step of the crime, minus ‘how to get away with murdering your wife’.
One would think that would have been the FIRST thing he googled. He really needed to look up how to dismember a body? Did he never played Grand Theft Auto Miami Vice?
Also, not ChatGPT? I know it’s probably controlled by the CIA, but really? Not even providing us the comedy of what wokeGPT would have said? He’s not only a murderer, he’s as funny as Stephen Colbert.
Guy should have used Bing, NO ONE would have suspected it.
Everyone deserves a criminal defense
Especially federal felons like Mr. Charmin(g). Here is what I would argue if I was his defense attorney:
There’s no body, she could be alive.
Murder prosecutions MOSTLY have bodies, but can be proven without them. Still, juries like to see dead people - makes me think people are not actually ‘too dumb’ to get out of jury duty but actually have a necrophilia side. Have to rub one out to something. RIGHT?!?
Juries like to see dead people, and there is no body or body parts in this case. Will one turn up? Probably. Hard to imagine Mr. ‘how to bound a body via google’ somehow disposed of the body in a way people smarter than him with better technology (like ChatGPT) could never find.
Miracles do happen! Remember when the Houston Texans caught a hail mary on 4th and 20, then went for two in week 18 to win their game, giving the Chicago Bears the #1 pick in the draft?
Screw the NFL blocking that video. Anyways, the above happened. Maybe this dude looks dumb to get everyone off his tracks. PROBABLY NOT, but also as his hypothetical defense attorney I should stop ripping on him.
No one is that stupid to google every step in murdering their wife
He is being framed! No one, NO ONE, is this stupid. It’s not possible. Meth heads don’t do this behavior, and these people cook meth in two liter bottles out in public. He HAS to be framed!
By whom though?
The case is still new, so other suspects may not exist. Generally speaking, here is a list of the other people who could have murdered Ana Walshe:
-Person with a grudge against husband out for REVENGE. Not just in movies! Brian Walshe was on federal tracking for selling fake art. Did the person or persons he rip off need to settle a grudge?
-ex boyfriend of wife who never got over her picking this dude over him. Keeping with a theme of set up, maybe there’s a guy who kept messaging her and felt that if HE COULD NOT HAVE HER, NO ONE COULD. I wrote a piece on stalking, this is possible.
-a random guy killed her BEFORE husband could. This is a last ditch effort, and requires an extremely dumb jury to pull off. One would need to say yes, she’s missing, but definitely dead and someone random did it.
Hard to get anyone to jump through all those mental hoops. Even meth heads are like ‘ok c’mon I don’t have teeth but I don’t like suckers that much’.
Of course her DNA would be on stuff with his, they were a couple
People cut themselves all the time, it is plausible she had a few cuts while living in that house. There were three kids running around doing kid stuff, she could have slipped on toys, cut herself with scissors while wrapping presents, etc.
Her DNA SHOULD be in on his stuff. It’s not like the guy stalked her and waited for her and her boyfriend to come home from dinner, then murdered both of them outside (OJ link).
If her DNA is found in many other places…tougher sell. Just in the house and car? IT WAS HER HOUSE AND CAR.
UPDATE: His DNA and her necklace were found in…other places.
Also: There’s motive.
Finally, the best defense:
Mentally unfit to stand trial
The guy GOOGLED every step in how to murder his wife, he’s clearly insane. He didn’t Ask Jeeves or use Bing, he used the most popular search engine.
No tutorials on TikTok, just having to wad through three pages of woke web links to get to something Timothy McVeigh posted to 4Chan in 1992. Guy is nuts.
How can someone this dumb exist? He doesn’t. He’s insane. Look at the guy. He looks like he cuts his own hair! He makes Jon Lovitz look attractive. He is insane. No one with clear mental thinking abilities could have committed this crime.
Chances I could pull this off?
Slim. He looks cooked, like he will be in an electric chair in 3-5 years cooked.
What do you think? What defense would you use and why?
Can you out lawyer the lawyer? Let me know your thoughts in the comments or on twitter (at bowtiedkong).
NAMASTE,
KONG
I'd lean in hard on "c'mon, nobody this stupid would be able to actually hide a body. He was framed."
Maybe add in a wife faked her own death multiplier, because after all, look at the guy. Who would want to be married to that tubby slob? Wife had all the motive in the world to frame him for murder and he would most certainly be stupid enough to help out entrapping himself by buying a bunch of cleaning items because she asked him to. Would you be willing to sacrifice a pint of your own blood and a prada bag to escape that ... that ... just look at him! (And this would be his defense counsel pointing this out of course.)