What is it like for a bored prosecutor?

Court is slow rn

Photo by Magnet.me on Unsplash

Criminals follow a similar pattern to the rest of society. Busy during the Summer, quiet on the holidays, don’t usually commit crimes until school is back. I find it hilarious that crime follows the same patterns as society.

It’s warm, time to shoot that person! Now it’s cold, guess I’ll wait until it is warm to kill that person

I don’t get it, no one does.

Anyhow, what does a prosecutor do with down time?

Office hours

The bane of every prosecutor’s existence. Most prosecutors need to be in court, it is our happy place. We socialize with other lawyers, negotiate cases, write substack articles. Am I supposed to sit in my office and do my job? Review discovery? CREATE A TRIAL PLAN!?!?

Seriously though, most prosecutors look for any excuse to get out of their office. I usually get coffee and either…

1. Go discuss a case with a colleague. This is helpful because YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW. Applies to most of life but especially law. Many times I have avoided a MAJOR problem by going into an office and saying “hey, what do you think about this?” One thing leads to another and turns out I need to subpoena someone else or request something ASAP.

2. Check in with my team. I learned from the military to consistently check the pulse of the squad. This consists of my admins, our victim advocates, and fellow attorneys. A simple how is your day going or how was your evening is how I start. Mostly it is good, a few words, then I’m back. Sometimes you get into a talk and you find out a diet coke or two is needed for morale and caffeine boost. Always check in with your team.

3. Masturbate in my office. Just kidding, I do that on a close by park bench.

Trial prep

There’s always a trial or two waiting in the wings, sometimes between a few weeks and few months out. Trials are complex animals, like the weather but without blaming everything on climate change. I make sure:

1. Witnesses are under subpoena. A younger Kong occasionally forgot to subpoena witnesses. Whoops!

2. Have our victim advocate reach out to all witnesses and make sure they can attend. Police officers like to take vacations when I need them to testify. Coincidence, I’m sure. I also need investigators to track down witnesses. Most criminal witnesses are from poor areas and have criminal histories themselves. A where’s waldo hood search can be required. God bless investigators!

3. Actually lay out my evidence, how I plan to get it into the record, and my closing argument. I technically start with my closing argument and work backwards. This take thought and time, so I procrastinate by…

Talking with the ancillary court people

The court system is full of interesting people that help with court administration, probation, free services. Most of them are bored too - they are underpaid, clients are hit or miss. I like talking to them and I will try out new stand-up material. I reserve the crazier material for the people who know me most. I probably should have been fired multiple times for comments about the LGBTQ++ mafia but

I’m funny and good looking, so I get away with murder (like OJ) AND

It’s true, it’s literally a protection racket.

The people on the edges of the court system are awesome. There is no way government can help everyone (and LOL that it helps anyone EVER), they help and assist in ways no one who reads this probably wants to. They also enjoy live comedy by a guy in a suit and tie. Always give the probation department what they want?

Little known fact: probation usually has a ton of young, good looking women working there. Guessing it is “I CAN CHANGE HIM!!!” syndrome taken to the extreme, but who cares.

Trial prep starts now! Comment or hit me up at twitter with comments or questions!

Namaste,

KONG