Ways to change an uncomfortable conversation

Soft skillz 202

Photo by Vincent van Zalinge on Unsplash

“I am moving back to the United States. I need to live somewhere pro-abortion, just in case I need to scrape one.”

It’s the conversation no one wants to have. Politics has crept into most of American life. There used to be things people did not discuss in public: politics and religion.

The Trump Presidency ushered in an era of unfettered discussions, most of which no one wanted or wants to have.

How can you successfully exit or change a conversation you do not want to have?

Here are five ways to either exit or change a conversation:

FIRST: Acknowledge what the person is saying.

This might seem counterintuitive, but people reach out to you because they want acknowledgement, affirmation.

You need to give some sign that you are paying attention and care.

If on the phone: Ah ha, um hum, yup.

If in person: easiest way is to nod.

(Yes this is similar to what Bull says and does, IYKYK).

Avoid faking a smile.

People subconsciously detect it and end up figuring out something is wrong. See What Everybody is Saying book for more.

THEN:

1. If you want to leave, go silent.

This is counterintuitive - why would I be silent if I want to exit a conversation?

BECAUSE PEOPLE CANNOT STAND SILENCE!

Photo by Andrew Umansky on Unsplash

Try it first with low stakes. Ask someone you know how their day is going. When they say good, say good.

If they say nothing after that, you say nothing after and hold eye contact.

Weird? Yes.

Crazy? A bit.

Sadistic? Too far and not today Satan!

Effective? Damn right!

Watch them squirm (ok it’s a bit sadistic). People will say ANYTHING TO kill silence.

That’s where you come in.

You, by then speaking, will alleviate their stress!

After a silent beat:

Say something like “it’s good to see you, I need to check on __________” or “I need to use the bathroom, be right back” or “I’m thirsty, would you like a drink?”

Any excuse to leave is an excuse to start doing something else. If you commit to the drink, you should bring one then say something else to exit. Probably too much work.

The bathroom is an easy out. No one wants to discuss your bowel movements, and it gives you space to:

a) Leave

b) Plot your next move in the bathroom

Checking on food at a family gathering is also a layup. You spend the first half of the gathering checking on the food, then you eat, then you can say “I should help clean up” or “I’ll get the leftovers ready.”

Remember - they will be ok with anything you say next, because you killed the tension.

What if I want to stay and keep talking?

If you want to keep talking:

1. Change the subject to something you both have in common.

Ex: you are a Veterinarian and your pro abortion friend has a dog

“I’ve had some cute dogs come in recently, many with heart worms. Is Fido doing ok?”

“How is Fido doing? He is so cute. Any recent pictures?”

Talking about something in common PLUS something they probably have pictures of is the easiest conversation starter ever, plus builds good will.

I ask every defense attorney two things:

1. How are you?

2. How are the kids/how’s your son/daughter doing?

I do this every time they are in court. It is usually a quick conversation.

When I see them out socially:

I get hugs and they usually tell Mrs. Kong how nice I am. Why?

Because I ask them about the thing they love most (their kids) and the thing they love second most (themselves).

Play to vanity. Do you want to have a decent time and make someone happy?

This is the way.

2. Change the subject to anything else then insist on continually talking about it regardless of the other person’s feelings.

I learned this from my 90 year old Grandmother.

We go to breakfast and she talks about two things at once. It’s confusing, funny, and also impressive at the same time. I will start talking about one of the topics.

She will switch to the other topic or a THIRD topic, with no notice, when she is either uncomfortable or wants to discuss something else.

I roll with it. Why? She won’t stop talking about whatever it is. I have to smile, nod, then listen to figure out what is she actually talking about now.

Watch a Presidential debate - both candidates talk over each other, usually trying to dictate the conversation. It’s annoying for the viewer, but effective for persuasion and changing the subject.

Who would win a debate between Trump and my Grandmother? I’ve got Grandma -150. She is hard of hearing, so she could also scream “what? WHAT?”, then when Trump says something she can change the conversation and play it off due to her hearing.

My Grandma is a sneaky woman.

She claims she’s senile, but then brings something up she overheard six months earlier.

JIG IS UP GRANDMA.

(not my Grandma, but a Hall of Fame Grandma nonetheless)

3. If you want to build a relationship, acknowledge the other person then tell them how you feel.

“I can see why you want to live in a pro-abortion state. You know that I (agree/disagree with you), and also I don’t like talking about politics. It’s hard to avoid/everywhere these days, so let’s talk about something else”.

MOST PEOPLE are considerate and will agree.

IF THEY INSIST ON THE AWKWARD CONVERSATION, BLURT OUT:

“EXCUSE ME BUT I HAVE TO POOP”

Game. Set. Blouses.

Bonus: What if you have a roommate who does not understand social cues and keeps talking? Looking at you, tism frens…

I had one of these ten years ago. Say ah ha, nod, and walk away. Just walk away to another room and ignore them while they keep talking, they’ll figure it out.

Questions? Comments? Other scenarios you’d like to discuss? Let me know!

NAMASTE,

KONG