Ways to avoid being arrested during the holidays
Mrs. Klaus can lead to being someone's prison bitch
(photo via Amazon?)
Christmas cheer is a great time for family, friends, and eventually wanting to get the hell away from everyone. It is also an easy time to pick up a misdemeanor or two.
The most common arrests I see around the holidays are, in no particular order:
DUI
Domestic violence
My years spent charging crimes around the holidays usually consists of alternating DUIs and Domestics. Most big box retailers do not charge for retail theft, so its a horse race between the two D’s (also not a good place to be between in prison, which if you get enough misdemeanors you’ll end up in Felony Prison land).
Here are a few ways to avoid catching some unwanted D:
Pick ONE significant other to do the drinking at a gathering. Relationship problems have a tendency to come out when both people are drinking. I know, shocking. The picking one person to drink at a party is three fold:
FIRST - AVOIDS a DUI! No one wants to bail you out of jail at 3 AM for a preventable issue.
SECOND - Usually one person can deal with the insults and awful things said by a significant other if sober. Go to another room, put the kids to bed, masturbate out on a park bench. Two people drunk is 90-95% of the DV cases I have.
THIRD - one of you may have lame friends. This is an excellent way to gauge your or your significant other’s friend group. Are they interesting? Do they know how to throw a party? Or are you going through the motions of college, where yeah John was sweet at frat parties but now he’s fat and his wife is annoying?
Host the holidays at your place. Yes this is stressful BUT you will be so busy hosting you will have less time on the non-existent car ride home to wonder why your spouse was so chummy with the neighbor who stopped by. You also control the guest list, so if you are slightly a shitbag right now, you can avoid inviting over someone in better shape until you lose weight.
It goes without saying if you do drink too much, drinking at your place is a car less exercise.
Get out of the house more frequently. I’m a midwestern person and things start to get ugly in mid to late January. The holidays are over and you’ve been cold and hiding indoors for months. For some reason the cold cranks have started earlier this year for me - I spent wayyyyy too much time being cantankerous this past weekend. You need an outlet away from family. Take the baby to McDonalds, whatever. You have to get out of there. Home turns into a homemade bomb without getting fresh air.
Have a backup place to stay if things are rocky. The one most people don’t want to deal with but happens more often than not. If police come and there’s a potential issue, whether someone gets charged or not, they will usually ask the parties to separate. I cannot tell you how many cases I had where they “separated” into different rooms, followed by a 911 call an hour later where it turned physical.
BROS, you have to get out of there when it gets hot. Have a family or friend on the ready when you need a night or two apart. If not, you may end up needing that friend or family for the duration of the case. That’s right - in many counties, a domestic incident requires a no contact for the duration of the case. Ready to move out? Does not matter. Talk about a pain in the butt - moving in the winter, having potentially two places you are paying for, for months to at least a year. I saw it last week:
D: “Where am I supposed to live?”
Judge: “I don’t care, just not there.”
D: “I am broke, where do I go?”
Judge: “There are a few men’s shelters”…
Few things in life will bankrupt you morally or financially like a court case. Be safe this holiday season.
Heart,
KONG
PS Yes that picture has almost nothing to do with the article, just stealing the idea of using a hot women to get opens.