Venturing into a new courtroom

Jurassic World IRL

Photo by bert b on Unsplash

This past week I was voluntold to be in a different courtroom. Of course I pretended it was my idea, gave myself credit to a higher up, and then marched in to enemy territory.

Lawyers are creatures of habit. We like making the same arguments, wearing the same 2-3 suits, and thinking the same 5s and 6s are 9s just because they are in heels and attempted makeup for the first time in months (my celebrity crush Marina Medvin is a 10 in court and on her Twitter avatar, hope she’s IRL hot too. Thanks for repping the J6 people. Hope this lands better :)

Going into a different courtroom takes courage. Bravery. The same kind of bravery trans parents look into the eye after forcing their son to dress like a girl then posting on facebook about that one time he enjoyed Frozen and now he has to wear dresses.

If you get lucky, you know the bailiff. Bailiffs run court rooms. Never run afowl of a bailiff. They are your best friend, whether attorney or defendant. They know each defendant on the court call (most of us do because criminals commit repeat crimes and should be in jail not trying to rape your cousin because BLM), they know when the jail is running late, etc. They also know what mood the judge is in that day. Bailiffs will save you time, money, and on top of that they are hilarious.

My normal bailiff will say things like, “his daddy used to run guns off Main St. back in the 70s, we went to high school together. Hilarious dude, but you cross him and it got buck wild,” or “Judge was here early today Kong, didn’t look happy, you know it’s gonna be a looooooong one.”

The clerks are 1B to bailiffs in being nice and hoping you know them and remember their names. Many clerks are unassuming citizens that like their job and the 9-5 lifestyle. They, like bailiffs, are friends with the judges. They know each other’s kids, attend the same churches, etc. Clerks know Judges lives due to scheduling. Never cross a clerk either. Clerks and Bailiffs can save an attorney infinite amounts of time, money, and stress. Lawyers are generally shitbags and get into all kinds of almost trouble. My clerks have helped me prepare forms I could not have imagined existed but I definitely needed to handle certain…issues.

Watch a Judge interact with their clerk or bailiff the next time you are in court. Just watch that (keep head on a swivel for public masturbators).

Not knowing the clerk OR bailiff? You are a wolf crossing into another wolf’s territory.

Clerks and bailiffs are PROTECTIVE of their judge and that courtroom. You mine as well be MJ walking into MSG without having bribed the security guards.

Then…the judge walks in. There is a feeling out process with an attorney and a judge. Too professional, they think you are a pussy. Not professional, they will treat you like META just treated Jim Cramer. It is a balance. I tend to be overly professional the first few cases then I am usually told it is ok or I ease off the ass kissing pedal.

Those first cases are BATTLES.

Most criminal attorneys are like me - we know our older cases, make stuff up on the newer ones. Anytime you hear an attorney say ‘I believe so’, it means they did not look at their file and/or skimmed the police reports.

I was called out on an ‘I believe so’ a few days ago. The courtroom went silent. Judges are former attorneys and usually go along with the BS. Calling someone out…that’s declaring war.

The next hour was a back and forth where I politely corrected the judge a few times. He had to know that I did not appreciate his calling me out, and I would do the same. Back and forth it went. Dates were set, “counsels you need to figure things out” while staring at state occurred.

Eventually a case came up and the Judge and I agreed. It was a moment similar to a relationship where you are talking and both blurt out “and that’s why defund the police was stupid and liberals need to be governed.” We hit our stride. By the end of the call, he was saying nice to meet you and I was returning the compliment.

Another issue is different attorneys. Attorneys, being primal, usually only go to the same courtrooms and take the same types of cases. Easy money. Walking into a different courtroom can leave you exposed. You HOPE the public defender is someone you went to law school or see around enough to be like ‘hey, I usually see you around here, right?’ (lawyers are weird people and usually like this line). Dealing with defense attorneys is a different story.

Small county = everyone knows and might be related to everyone. Defense attorneys will help you with paperwork. Big counties = free for all bloodletting spectacle.

I am fortunate to be in a county big enough to see new faces but small enough to know who is cheating on their spouse with that 6 in heels.

There is an adversarial nature to the proceedings, but, like I said above…criminals commit crimes and everyone knows who the serious ones are. Defense attorneys are trying to make state do their job/get their client a lighter sentence (occasionally saying to dismiss a BS case…story for another day) and prosecutors are protecting the community. We all get it.

I survived my foreign court wars due to:

1. being friends with the bailiff from a prior courtroom

2. being fucking awesome at my profession

3. the court calls always ending so the judge can go home at a decent hour

Judges are people too, and it is amazing how court can end quickly when they have somewhere to be.x

Thanks for reading! Let me know if you have questions or have a legal question I can CONSULT you on. Yes, legal advice but not actually.