The time I boinked a witness

A love story

There she was, a cross between Selma Hayek and someone who tried heroin more than once.

Ten years ago I was full time in juvenile court AND full time single.

My trial partner was out and I had the afternoon call, when SHE walked in. This was not your ordinary single mom who likes cocaine and bad dudes.

She was sexy! Latina, looking worn down from what I assume was her troubled son and single mother hood, big boobs, small waist, THICC hips.

Under her baggy sweat stained sweatshirt and Adidas tear away pants was a body of a goddess.

I may not be Superman, but I can see a fine body through baggy clothing…

Not caring or knowing what was going on with the case, I kept looking back at her. She would glance at me. Finally, a cracked smile.

Was this going to be the opening to bang a witness on my desk?

“No you idiot”, I said to myself. “No, No, NO! First off, your desk is messy. Second, because that porno had a scene like that doesn’t mean it can or will or has happened.”

I quickly googled to see if prosecutors have sex with witnesses. Not finding anything relevant because Google is trash, I assumed that yes it happens since people are animals and we do it like they do it on the discovery channel.

Court ended and I made my move outside the courtroom

“Can we talk for a minute?” I asked.

Her son had just been sent back to kid jail. She looked sad, broken.

I could fix her

“I want to discuss some of the details of your son’s case,” I continued.

“Ok”, she replied.

“Can you come to I mean we can both come, my office is here do you have time to come damnit can we talk about the case.”

At this point I looked like the pilot in Airplane

She SMILED. “Of course. I hope you can be quick.”

---

I walked her into my office. She sat across from me with her legs crossed.

My heart POUNDED.

We sat in silence for what felt like DAYS, until she spoke.

“What about the case did you want to discuss?”

It was then I realized I didn’t know anything about the case.

No idea. I paid zero attention in court, read nothing of the file before or after, just looked at her boobs and imagined taking her to pound town.

I said the only thing that came, I mean, jumped into my head:

“Are you seeking restitution?”

It was my Ray with the stay puff marshmallow man moment. It just…popped in there.

“What is restitution?” she asked.

After I explained how when someone is a victim they can seek damages from the defendant when they suffered loss, she looked at me with a furrowed brow.

“My son was caught smoking weed, why would he owe me money?”

---

There are moments in life where, back against the wall, greatness appears.

The Michael Jordan Flu Game, Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg address, the time my lab partner got the answers for the take home quiz about five minutes before it was due.

This…

Was not one of them.

“I apologize, I mixed up cases. I can walk you out.”

I JUMPED UP to get the door for her, and ended up boinking our heads together.

“You have a big head”, she giggled.

WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY IS THIS MY MOMENT OH MY GOODNESS I AM SO BACK!

By the time my inner dialogue finished she was halfway down the hallway asking if she was headed the right direction.

That is the only time I have boinked a witness.

A witness to my single Kong incompetence.