The Most Awkward Situations I Have Farted, Ranked
It needs to be released
I ripped a fart during BJJ today. My training partner got on me for mount, moved to an S Mount, and it roared out of my anus.
The fart was so loud other people across the mat stopped training to figure out what it was.
You know what I did while my partner laughed and others looked around?
I got out of his S Mount.
Dealing with shame is a superpower. You will fart, you will fart in public, and it will be loud and stinky.
I have farted, and farted LOUDLY, in more public places than one can imagine. Dinners, sexual situations, the Anne Frank Museum. Each of these places poses a unique challenge.
The below is a power rankings of the five most awkward places and times I have farted as an ADULT, and how I attempted to diffuse the situation:
5. Work
Everyone farts at work, it is a rite of corporate passage. One minute you are asking how someone’s weekend went, the next…flatulence follows.
I ripped a medium sized fart during a 2012 performance review. This was a post lunch, ‘can I get through this without farting’ fart. It’s a coin flip whether you can last.
I cannot recall much said during the review, which sums up most performance reviews. I remember words, lips, and me thinking ‘Am I ReALLY about to do this?’ The room was me, my boss, and an HR lackey. BOTH of them were female.
We were around the part about ‘following company values’ when I decided
It is what it is, and it ain’t what it ain’t:
It came out moderately loud, low stink.
While the other two were taking that second to grasp HOW I REALLY FELT about company values, I seized the opportunity. I made a hard move in my chair to the left, then almost fell forward. I yelled:
“Squeaky chairs!”
I’ve used the squeaky chair more than I’ll ever admit. It works for a few reasons:
FIRST, most legal officers are lazy and replace their chairs every 10-20 years. They can become squeaky over time.
SECOND, even when people realize you are using the squeaky chair, they appreciate the effort. Most people appreciate someone being ridiculous after being ridiculous.
The Result?
There was a moment of silence, my boss looked like she wanted to ask if I farted but realized HR was in the room…and we moved on. HR lady made a face a couple seconds later due to secondary stink…but we moved on. Happy to report I left that job shortly thereafter.
4. Mock Trial in law school
Law school is high school with the nerdiest kids from high school.
80% are weird, the other 20% are less weird but interesting in some way. I assume I was in the 20%, but so did everyone.
Mock trial is a rite of passage for second year law students. Obviously law school is a scam since you should do this in your first year, yet I digress.
Mock trial is you and a partner facing off against two other people. A professor is the judge, the “jury” is other students who forgot not to walk around the hallway during mock trial. Your professor grades you.
Our case was someone suing after falling through a window, or something like that.
We spent weeks….ok DAYS…preparing for our mock trial. We were ready. Not like actual trial ready, but law student ready. Law student ready is Allen Iverson saying practice 1,000 times but without his talent.
The trial went well. Both of us knew our case facts, the law, and the main three objections (relevance, foundation, outside the scope).
During the other side cross examining our witness, I farted. LOUDLY. No smell, but LOUD.
While everyone was trying to figure out what happened, I quickly stood up and yelled OBJECTION!
What was I objecting to?
My fart. I was objecting to my fart. Strenuously objecting, your honor.
What did I say I was objecting to? Relevance.
The judge immediately smacked me down, overruled.
I then changed it to outside the scope.
Overruled again.
At this point I sat down, confident I had pulled it off. My trial partner looked at me.
“Did you fart?”
Sustained.
3. Baptism
I was hungover at my nephew’s baptism because at that point in my life I was a degen asshole. Luckily my family expected it so me showing up caked in sweat was not followed by “how was the gym”.
This one was easier to get out of than I thought.
The baby had already been dunked, he cried, we all laughed. All the pre-baptism tension was released.
Afterwards we had a small family gathering at a nearby restaurant. While making small talk, I let out a medium loud, low stinker.
Sometimes I like to drink to mix things up.
I’ve had some of my funniest bits and sketches come out after a few too many Jack and Coke’s. Avoid this practice as best as you can, but know there is a reason some of the funniest comedians alive have substance abuse issues.
I gave the fart two beats, then said “WHO CUT THE CAKE?!?”
Perfect timing, especially since we were just eating cake. Everyone laughed, I sat down, then realized actually my sister was not laughing but maybe she should be less of a buzz kill AM I RIGHT?!?
2. Making out
I was making out with a girl from my Statistics class. We were at her place. Bra was coming off, tensions were MOUNTING.
We had not had sex yet, so this felt like the night - she invited me over, she made dinner, we were watching a movie…the stars were aligned.
There I was, her on top grinding on me, my hands moving up and down…
THEN I FARTED THE LOUDEST FART IN HUMAN HISTORY
We both stopped. A silence fell over the room. Then…
LAUGHTER!
We both started uncontrollably laughing. One of the most awkward moments turned into one of the most funny.
After about thirty seconds, it went quiet again.
Me: “I should probably go.”
Her: “Yup.”
We never talked about it again, and we never hooked up again.
1. Anne Frank House
Nothing can prepare you for inappropriate behavior at the Anne Frank House. It is horrifying for everyone involved, especially the gassy anti-gussy.
FREE ALPHA: go to the Anne Frank house at the START of your Amsterdam visit. Avoid death by bicycle, rip the Band-Aid off. It is solemn, most people get choked up or cry, and you will want to drink or do drugs after going through.
I chose to go the morning of day 2, after my then girlfriend and I went out all night with her friends.
Naturally I was exhausted the next morning and drank too much coffee. There was a large line. Dehydration eventually turned to bowel movement SZN.
We could not get out of line, and there was no way I was going to shit at THE ANNE FRANK HOUSE.
I held it in as long as I could. Emotions were high. My girlfriend was crying, I was getting choked up, and something REALLY BAD was about to happen if that tour did not pick up the pace!
We turn a corner. THE HOME STRETCH. I relaxed.
BAD IDEA.
I let out a loud noise that I quickly did everything in my power to stop, which meant my fart was followed by a weird grunt.
Everyone in front turned and looked at me, and my girlfriend would have preferred being executed.
I was frozen in time, surrounded by Holocaust mourners and an embarrassed girlfriend. I did the only thing I could do.
I loudly said “SORRY!”
This was worse than the fart, because you were not supposed to talk during the tour either. Wish I could describe the stares I received.
We left the house, the day was ruined, and I wasn’t even high.
In retrospect, you pretend you did not fart at the Anne Frank House.
You look around, stare at a book. This is probably the best way to handle most farts in life, outside of blaming a dog:
I hope you enjoyed and maybe realized that gas, it’s ok. If you did enjoy, please subscribe, share, and leave a fun flatulence story in the comments below!
Namaste,
KONG
Lmfao
quality content right here
imagine poor Anne Frank looking down at you as you break wind