Summer Court Do's and Do not's
Advice from attorneys and assbags
Summer is for barbeques, being outside, and getting the fuck out of court and the courthouse ASAP.
Unfortunately, many do not receive this memos. Here is a guide for all involved in the process for optimal Summer living:
Attorneys
Attorneys love talking, mostly about themselves, occasionally about their clients.
Tip #1: Keep it to a minimum. Let’s get through the cases and talk afterwards, preferably over a cold drink. I don’t NEED to hear about your upcoming vacation outside of the dates you are unavailable, and you can tell that to the Judge while we are up on a case. Odds are your significant other is ugly and fat, so you on a beach is not a visual I want or need.
Tip #2: Be respectful of time. EVERYONE is trying to take time off. If we have something that is going to trial, please file motions far enough we can litigate and discuss them. Elongating a trial because you are lazy means I can’t hang out with my kid in his pool, and he’s only young once, so do what you want but if you do that and I see you on the side of the road needing help, I’m going to drive by with the bird up.
Tip #3: Have your client know the plea offer PRIOR to court. I know they don’t answer their phones, but find them prior to court for a moment. Telling me “we have a deal”, then the defendant asking the judge questions that show they DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE DEAL IS wasted time and gets BOTH of us the judicial side eye.
This whole section was a stop wasting my fucking time rant, but whatever. Now I’ve wasted some of yours, so we’re even.
Defendants
Defendants have their own lawyers for advice, but since most defense attorneys are lazy and/or suck in general, here is some actual usable advice.
Tip #1: Dress summer appropriate. Find a pair of $20 khakis and a $10 polo. That’s affordable even with food stamps. Clothes might be the only thing inflation has not clobbered. Dressing in hobo schique is for AFTER court. You make everyone, including yourself, look stupid. HOWEVER, I do appreciate an “I’m with stupid” t-shirt when accused of domestic battery, or a “Bud-Weis-ER” retro frog t-shirt in a DUI case.
Tip #2: No one cares about “what really happened.” First, that’s not what happened. Second, as mentioned above, it’s Summer. Tell your attorneys the “truth”, not the court during your court date. Court needs to be summer quick. Your attorney, especially if you are paying him or her $400 an hour, is ALL EARS to hear your story. Tell them and eat up your retainer, I don’t care.
I will write it down and crucify you with it later though.
Civilians
Gallery participants, broken down by why they are in court:
Family of the defendant: Wait in the hallway. Most courthouses are old and the heat stays on until July. Do we need to boil because you want to watch your son be arraigned? It’s not prom, it’s a reading of charges, rights, and penalties.
Students: Ask us questions AFTER court. It’s tough to juggle your non-sensical questions with the defense attorney’s non-sensical questions. Happy to talk after court, but I can only deal with one charlatan at a time.
Court observers: Dude, you’ve got NOTHING else to do? It’s Summer, go be homeless on a beach, not the court bench.
IN SUMMARY:
It’s hot inside the courthouse, we all want to see our families. Get in and out, and stay out if you are not a necessary party to the action.
Thank you for your consideration.
NAMASTE,
KONG