Public Masturbator SZN
A stiff Fall breeze
Summer and Fall are heaven for perverts. People of all genders, shapes and sizes, outside, trying to live their lives free of penises in their face. Well, most people aim to walk their dog without a cock staring them down at point blank range.
Summer is self-explanatory - the weather is nice, you can roll out of bed/your park bench and start tugging. Fall requires more strategic locations, as the cold brings less people and less flacidity (it is the cold, not the size). Look, or do not look, at areas like Forest preserves.
The arrests start in the Summer and go through Fall, which means court becomes public masturbator szn around October. Here are a few of my favorite sex offenders:
The guy sitting on the park bench jerking off. These individuals have stopped caring and just want to enjoy a nice beat off with a sunrise. Bonus points when they are still on the bench when arrested. Almost always pleas and jail; not the first rodeo for these un-gentlemen.
Eye contact with females from the car. My town has a Target parking lot perp problem. Unsure what gets them aroused, the low prices or vast parking area. Most of these are women parking far away to keep their car clean, then someone in a 2001 Honda pulls up next to them. Before mom can get out of the car, there he is. Eyes staring through your soul, hand on cock. These losers usually drive off after. Weirdos, guess what - there are cameras. These cases typically plea out because they are not slam dunks (video is of the car, not the masturbator, and victim does not usually take pictures to celebrate), and even defense attorneys have souls (they know clients needs services/get them going towards sex offender registration).
My favorite defense attorney mitigation email claimed his client was masturbating due to thinking of his wife. I laughed. No one masturbates to their wife.
Gay sex in the forest preserve. A tradition unlike any other. My buddy was a police honeypot for many of my cases. There is code and everything. I almost feel bad for people who have to go hide in a forest preserve to get some D; however, they usually blow each other in areas where families and cross-country runners train. These defense mitigation emails are also ridiculous. A few of my favorites:
“My client was confused and thought the person wanted directions.” (I printed the email and have it framed).
“Their penis was not erect, it was hard.” (I looked at them and continued on with whatever I was doing).
“He’s a good citizen, does he really have to be a sex offender?” (I said why yes, he does).
These cases mostly plea out since a public jury trial would be humiliating. Do you know how many times I would say penis, tug, or erect during a jury trial? 3,000. No one wants people in their community hearing about them saying “good weather indeed” followed by them whipping out their 3.5 inch penis (shrinkage is not a defense).
Most of these are old men. Again, sad that they are old and too poor for a hotel room or AirBnb. Start that wifi money early!
Never reverse park into a forest preserve.
Wow Kong, talk about the more you know! What else is there about public masturbators?
-Almost always white dudes with bad facial hair. Occasionally Latino or African-American, usually white. Asians and Indians remain undefeated.
-The strangest one was a dude yanking it in a Walgreens aisle. The police report was hilarious. “I saw him but was unsure what to do. I asked him to stop. He turned towards me, so I ran”. It sucks watching the security footage, although I can always say I was paid to watch gay porn. Well, maybe I won’t say that.
-The 911 calls are terrifying. Women BAWLING, frantically trying to breathe while describing genitalia. 911 operations are amazing. They are calm and smooth:
“Maam, what did you do after you saw his penis?”
“Was he erect or just holding it flaccid?”
“Did you see his face or just genitalia?”
-I will eventually be fired or reprimanded for my handling of these cases. I always dramatically read the probable cause statement in court. I use innuendo every status date:
“Judge we made an offer but defense is yanking us around”
“This is a hardened criminal who needs to remain in jail”
“the long hard arm of justice demands bond be set higher”
I’ve been yelled at by at least three judges for comments like the above. They usually laugh the first time, giggle the second, then realize they are on the record by the third. But seriously your honor, discovery is coming.
Hope you enjoyed never wanting to go to a park again. Please subscribe or share if you want to spread my seeds of comedy and legal jargon to the masses.
Namaste,
Kong
LMFAO
😂😂😂 Every line, every single line is incredible.