Popping collars was a fashion trend I partook in for a period of time. As many a white guy did, I popped my collar and listened to rap music. It was a way of standing out among a crowd of other white people who also popped their collars and listened to rap music.
Conformity is for tools. Most people are NPCs; it is the reason you cringe at every ‘stop the spread’ or vaccine commercial. Oh, you also think what the government says is true? You are a HERO.
One way to stand out from the the crowd?
Pausing. Pausing is the rare skill, like meditation, that requires you to do nothing yet appears to the untrained like a Sisyphean task.
Like Sisyphus, pausing is a constant uphill battle that one conquers daily. However COMMA, understanding and practicing pauses makes the climb easier each and every day. Let’s break it down.
There are three main types of pauses:
FIRST - Pausing during a conversation. This is THE most powerful pause. Ask yourself how often you actually pause during a conversation to hear the other person, then think of your answer, then say your answer.
If you are sitting there thinking “DUrrrrrr, I do that all the time. I always think before speaking.” you are a fucking liar. Bullshit. You do what most of us, including myself, do all the time. You think you are a genius, come in with an agenda, and have meaningless conversations where both people only say what they are thinking. No interaction, just poorly scripted nonsense. Be better than the latest NBC Chicago Drama. Sad part about NBC’s whole show lineup having a Chicago in front of it is they never do any of the fun Chicago ones, like Chicago Improv.
Pausing during a conversation does three things:
Shows your power and control. Think of a wise elder, listening to a younger person then giving advice. Pausing gives you the aura of power.
Pausing shows empathy. Most people just want to be heard. It is the reason a co-worker of mine is quitting, and also a standard throw away line in a show when a relationship is going south. I JUST WANT YOU TO LISTEN! Pausing before speaking, even if you do have squirrels running around in your head, is a way of displaying empathy. It helps if you actually listen, but you will at least appear to care.
It gives YOU time to think. Yes thinking, a skill severely lacking these days. Why do vaccinated people need protecting from unvaccinated people again? Oh, because the vaccine does not work. Wait, it does work? Ok, then…why do I need protecting? Exactly. Pausing allows you to digest what the other person is saying and come up with an answer that works.
Pause for power, empathy and some time for thinking.
SECOND - Pausing to build tension
Pausing builds tension. One of my favorite moves in court is to walk around without saying a word. I want all eyes in the jury box on me. I want the room to shrink, and the only way to alleviate that tense feeling is to hear my words. Here is a video with a few examples and some unintended comedy via the captions. Tension is great for speaking, lifting, or when you have someone naked and want to drive them wild. Build tension and make it so the only release…is you.
THIRD - Pausing to acknowledge a compliment
I learned this from Bill Clinton’s memoir. Say what you want about his…well, a lot of things, but he was and is known for his charisma. One does not sleep around Arkansas without either:
1) A bunch of tattoos and meth or
2) Charisma
An easy way to add charisma? Pausing after a compliment, then say thank you. Most people, including myself, get awkward when given a compliment. Why? No idea, go ask a sociology major they are probably pouring your Dunkin medium dark roast. Take time to let a compliment sink in. SOMEONE IS TRYING to say something positive about you! You! Yes, the you that YOU LOVE is being told by someone else that they also LOVE something about you. Acknowledge it!
A compliment acknowledged helps both parties. You build on your pausing skills and soak up the nice words, while they get to bask in the feeling that they went on a limb and it worked. THAT is a win-win!
We all to often rush through life without acknowledging the great powers around us and in us. Pausing is powerful! Use it to your advantage, whether to show power or empathy, build tension to a crescendo, or let someone know you appreciated their compliment. Practice the P and feel the power of your interactions increase one by one.