My furniture rant

I don't want to do any billing right now so here we go

I am prefacing everything I am about to write with this has nothing to do with the girl I am dating, T. She has never mentioned furniture to me, has never asked me about it, nothing. She is wonderful.

Now that we have that out of the way…

Elon is going viral, well, can you go viral when every tweet you tweet gets 20 million views? Anyhow, he tweeted an interview where he talks about living on a couch because he could not “find a place”, which is a ridiculous statement. Anyhow, he slept on a couch for a month when he got to D.C.

Elon is living every man’s dream of not owning furniture.

To the ladies out there:

We don’t care about furniture. We never have. It’s just stuff that gets stains on it, then we have to move it from place to place until SOMEONE decides we need new, more expensive stuff that we don’t need or want, so then we have to get the old stuff we never wanted and move it outside somehow.

I am in the military and a bro at heart, so my ideal living space is a bed, a TV, a small table, a recliner, and a few lawn chairs. I’ve gotten sentimental in my older age, as it used to be just a bed, TV, and lawn chairs.

I have slept for weeks on a cot. Slept great on that cot. I was working overnights during a military exercise, so the second I put my head down I was out.

I have slept on air mattresses for months, and Japanese floor mats for almost a year (the Japanese one was a recommendation for my back. I didn’t have issues, just wanted to prevent any issues. Killed my shoulders. Do not sleep on a Japanese floor mattress.)

Where was I? Oh yes, furniture.

My first solo place had a bed, three lawn chairs, some French doors (gifted to me by a friend’s wife, as if I needed privacy in my studio apartment), and a TV. There were cold beers in the fridge, occasionally some lunch meat and cheese.

Paradise.

I’d have friends over, they didn’t care. We had a blast in those lawn chairs.

It was only when I started dating someone that the “talk” happened.

At first, I was the “fun guy” who lived Spartan. “Wow, you don’t need much, that’s cool!”

Then it was “have you thought about furniture? A couch might be nice. A table to put your TV on.”

Had I thought about furniture? Not for years. The only time I thought about furniture in my entire life was in college, when, one night, me and twenty of my pledge brothers had a few drinks and decided to destroy a bunch of nasty couches with sledgehammers while listening to Robot Rock on repeat. To this day, top ten night of my life.

Back to the story:

Then it became, “we need to get you some furniture”

There was no WE involved, because ultimately it was me out furniture shopping with my mom asking “does this look gay?” followed by her saying “I don’t think you are supposed to say that anymore”, followed by me saying “I know but is this couch ok?”

Eventually I found something I liked and facetimed said lady. She gave it the thumbs up. I probably should have just bought whatever and told her to “deal with it”, but sometimes there’s only enough blood flow for one area of the body.

Did I pick out excellent furniture? Yes, yes I did. I still have my couch and chair almost seven years later. They are EXTREMELY comfortable. I fall asleep in my chair all the time.

Did I need any of these?

No.

I have lugged them around FOUR different places. Yes I hired movers, but I still helped (I’m not Catholic, so whatever other guilt that is).

Is my life better for having furniture? Probably. Would have been weird for T to come by and see only a futon and TV with lawn chairs. I also have a son, and he likes climbing things, so he needs furniture to climb and fall off of…

Plus my family helps out with Little Boy Kong, they like couches too.

But would he and I manage with a couple beds, chairs, and TV? Yes. Absolutely. Toddlers mostly run around or sit on the floor anyways. If you are not a shitbag parent, you also join them on the floor. What part of that requires a couch and two end tables?

Women are great, especially T. That being said, I know if things continue to progress, we will eventually have some form of “the talk”. It’s ok, because I like her and would prefer spending $20k on things I don’t want if it makes her happy and not embarrassed to be there.

But man…Elon. How does he do it? Multiple wives and baby mamas, 17 kids, and he lives on a couch. He really must not give a fuck. I cannot fathom living that lifestyle.

Elon and Trump both uniquely have a “don’t care” about them, maybe that’s why they are friends and crazy successful.

Do you think Trump picked out all his gold-plated furniture?

Exactly.