How to avoid HIRING a Clown Criminal Defense Attorney
Learn to Cut through their crap
“Yes, I understand how to do THAT kind of criminal law. My retainer is $4,000, I prefer cash.”
I have had Nationally renown lawyers in my courtroom. Each one of them has looked stupid.
My favorite court calls are with attorneys who never step foot into my courtroom. They have NO IDEA how the courtroom operates.
JUST BECAUSE someone is a “Criminal” defense attorney does NOT MEAN they know how to do that specific subject matter.
Why is that?
Each judge has buzzwords and arguments they want to hear
Remember bringing a knife to a gun fight?
That is the RAMBLING, BUMBLING attorney who thinks their tone, demeanor, and GRAVITAS will win the day.
These people are clowns. Bozo without the charm.
YOU LITERALLY HAVE TO USE THE MAGIC WORDS AND SIMILAR ARGUMENTS WITH SOME JUDGES.
Every argument I have in my main courtroom is tailored to please the Judge’s ears. It took me a few months to listen to what he says, but I mimic HIS language.
No different than any other persuasion situation. Make the person you want to persuade LIKE YOU. Standing up and thinking you are Johnny Cochran is poor strategy.
Out of town attorneys think try TOO HARD to impress their clients.
There is a natural urge to show people they are getting BANG for they buck, especially as inflation and ESG destroy the dollar.
Defense attorneys stand up next to their new clients and WAX POETIC. They act SUPER formal, using GRANDIOSE gestures.
Listen PAL, it’s a felony courtroom. You are not arguing ROE V WADE. Your scumbag client sells dope. I offered prison. Given credit for time served and whatever BS he will do while in jail, it’s like six months. Everyone is supposed to be gay in 2023 anyway, consider it extra practice to be in the Biden administration.
Judges HATE attorneys that ramble. Judges are generally the best attorneys in the courtroom. I’ve had MULTIPLE former prosecutor judges get mad at me in the court, then later after the case tell me where I screwed up.
YOU THINK a Judge wants to hear your NOVEL legal theory on a driving without a license for the 8th time?
How can you avoid hiring one of these baboons?
FIRST: Ask HOW OFTEN they are in that courtroom. I wrote before and stick to it - you should drive your worst car to the courtroom, say you are poor and get a public defender. The PDs are generally the best defense attorneys in the room.
OTHERWISE, make sure that person CONSISTENTLY practices in that courtroom TODAY. Not “I was a prosecutor ten years ago” or “yes I did a trial before that judge in 2016.”
ROUTINE. PRACTICE.
The law changes, judges get older and have different life experiences. Judges change courtrooms all the time.
SECOND: If satisfied, ask them how many TRIALS they have had over the past twelve months.
Lawyers need consistent trial experience. I go six months without a big hearing or trial and my skills deteriorate, it’s a thing. You need that pressure and prep.
Lawyers without trials IN THAT COURTROOM are a NO.
How would they know how that judge rules if they are never there and/or never filed motions or had trials?
FINALLY: if TOTALLY in doubt, email me (bowtiedkong@protonmail.com) or DM me on twitter (same handle) and I’ll look.
For a small upfront cash fee, of course ;)
(Jokes aside, I am happy to answer questions by DM. Just don’t abuse the privilege).
NAMASTE,
KONG
So true. Relationships are built over time. The adas, def att, and judges typically all know each other. Good def attorneys need to practice in that court and have the relationships. Most of the time that's going to cost the most. Had a buddy that didn't listen. He hired a suburban lawyer to handle a case in the city. Well, big mistake. Another guy hired top, local talent and his case is going well. When your defense att can say to you, "yeah I've worked with so and so judge many times, I understand what she's looking for,(using the judges first name) you've got a good one.