Giving bad news
The art and science of telling someone something bad
Happy 4th of July!
Hopefully you are out doing something fun. I have to work today, which is why I am procrastinating by writing a substack.
“You have breast cancer. It is early, we can treat it, but we believe it is cancer.”
My mom cried when she received the news. I was ten at the time, she had just turned 40. They found a way to break the news to me.
A few days later, I was waiting for the bus with a friend. “My mom has cancer, I’m afraid she will die.”
It was a tough time for the family. Luckily, it was caught early and she has lived a great life since.
One thing stuck out to me afterwards.
My mom did not appear worried. She would talk glowingly of the doctor, whose son randomly was on my soccer team.
“Dr. John was calm. He told me what he saw, what he thought it was. He laid out a plan.”
”Father Tim will be here, he is always here.”
I grew up in the Episcopal Church. I had the same priest, Father Tim, my whole life. I would be bored by his sermons, but loved him and adored his wife (one of my favorite people of all time).
His best quality?
If a parish member or family member of the parish was in the hospital, he would come visit. Did not matter what was going on, he showed up. It was his gift.
He would come, say hi, spend time holding hands, praying with whoever was there. He only left when it was time. He stayed for a while, sometimes hours.
No matter what else he did, I will always appreciate him visiting my Grandma before she died. She had never met him before, yet there he was. He drove for hours to comfort my Grandma and our family.
“You are probably going to be a convicted felon”
That was the message I had to relay to a client. I reviewed all the evidence against him, it was bad. I still think he might be telling the truth, but it’s a financial crimes case, and he does not have the receipts to back up what he spent the money on.
I prepared by making sure I had the facts down cold. I reviewed my notes, my notes on the case, my notes from him.
Next was how to relay the message. I like small talk first, try to get them laughing. It is easier to deliver bad news after someone is in a good mood.
Then, it was, what can we do about it?
I prepared my options:
Trial. Would cost an extra $10k to $15k, and I thought he would lose
Try to negotiate the current deal down, use mitigation (the money was returned, he had a successful career, no priors). Still probably a felony conviction.
Try to negotiate the sentence down and receive “special probation”, a unique way for first time offenders to go on probation, but, if they complete it successfully, the case will be dismissed.
The client showed up late. I ignored that and started in on the pleasantries
You don’t want to beat around the bush too much, but enough where everyone is comfortable enough.
I laid out the evidence, explained why he was in trouble.
He cried, tried to tell me why this was all a misunderstanding. I remained calm, told him I believed him (I do), and said it does not matter.
“What about X?”
That will not work because of Y.
“What about Z?”
That will not work because of AB.
He cried some more.
You have to keep YOUR composure. Show strength. Show there’s more to the situation.
I explained his options per the above. I explained what I needed from him (letters of mitigation from others, i.e. why the court should take leniency on him), a personal statement from him (his story, what he has overcome to be the successful dad he is now).
My plan is to go talk to the prosecutor, try to get him the special probation. I explained what I would say and how I will say it.
“Right now, they only see one side of the story. It’s time to tell your story.”
He asked if he should do something.
“Give me what I need and I will handle it. You hired me to do this. I will be your champion. I cannot guarantee anything but you being shown in the best light possible.”
I laid out a time frame for events. I need this by this, I will talk to them by this date.
By the end, my client was calm and composed. He knew what he needed to do. We shook hands, I said we will talk soon, try to enjoy the 4th. Everything will be fine.
Everything will be fine
Will it? I don’t know. But he has a plan, he is in great hands, and I believe he has a good shot at the special probation.
You need to reassure people, even if it looks grim. “We will do our best, I believe there is hope”, etc.
Be prepared, be strong, have a plan
Like my mom’s doctor, know the facts. Be calm, act confident. Have a plan, explain the plan.
Most people like certainty, even if the situation is bad. A plan is certainty, a series of events that will happen.
Do I know how the prosecutor will react? No.
But I know my facts and my mission, and so does my client.
NAMASTE,
KONG