Funniest Courthouse Personnel Power Rankings

Is the vacuum person a stand-up comedian in training?!?

(Will she make the cut? Depends if Google translate can tell me what she does…)

Many hilarious people reside behind the hallowed walls of a courthouse. Here is a DEFINITIVE Power Rankings of the funniest, from least to spit your afternoon whiskey out laughing:

Not Ranked:

Court reporters (rarely talk), IT people (Elon on Ambien and not on an airplane), lady who vacuums around 4:30 PM (waiting for her to become more animated, she is polite and friendly), person who works at the courthouse but I cannot figure out what she does (great grift, need to know more), Judges (occasionally get fed up and tell it like it is)***, child protective services personnel (burn that organization down with fire)

5. Building security guards

Thank goodness no one tries to shoot up my building, otherwise I’d probably be dead. Our building security guards remind me of the Teamsters from The Simpsons:

Like these teamsters, the security guards are bullshitters. They have fun stories and will rib you as well. It is nice to walk in the morning and have some back and forth with the world’s fourth worst Sudoku player.

4. Volunteers that help kids

Too many non-profits to name, especially since each region has their own. These groups are fun for many reasons:

FIRST: They help kids, which requires dealing with their fucked up family members. What you think is common sense never dwells on the parents.

“Kid needs a ride? Hmmm….well I’m high right now, guess I could help”

“Yo honor, this kid is crazy.” (Judge yells at them to be a parent). “Yeah I know, but she cray Judge.”

I LOVE coming by, grabbing coffee, and hearing all these wonderful stories :)

SECOND: most are sort of fucked up from their own issues, hence wanting to help. They get ANGRY seeing what was done to them and it leads to wild outbursts of truth telling. Nothing is more funny than the truth.

THIRD: they have seen some ish, whether their own or from current criminals. 2022 kids can become full fledged (juvenile) felons by 14. Imagine spending most of your time trying to get through to a fifteen year old gang assassin.

FINALLY: They laugh at my jokes. I’m hilarious, so if you laugh at me, you are funny too. That’s how it works, folks.

3. Court Clerks!!!

(This picture came up on a google search for clerks…lol yeah closer to the start of a terrible porn)

My personal heroes. Constantly chain smoking, drinking Coca-Cola, and bad mouthing everyone who crosses them. I love Court Clerks.

Clerks know where the bodies are buried. Do they EVER. Clerks have dirt on EVERYONE who crosses them. They know who cannot spell, and who has booze on the breath when asking what documents to use for the plea.

Clerks have food. They like to cook and have food everywhere in their offices. They lure you in with food, then casually bring up you fucking up forms for the last month. You have to fight fire with fire.

“Bet I’m not the worst attorney with forms…”

Then the flood gates open.

“So and so can barely spell his name, he does drugs”

“Pretty sure Attorney X is illiterate. I’m serious!”

“No, you totally suck.”

I love my court clerks.

2. Probation officers

For younger men in the criminal justice system - there is a gold mine of young, good looking female probation officers who think THEY CAN CHANGE HIM. It’s literally their job.

YOU can be that flawed person they try to change! Plus if you make good money, they do not. Fantastic buy low opportunity.

What were we talking about? Oh yeah, probation officers. They are usually on your side, even the woke ones. Most start off bushy eyed and slowly get ‘that look’. What’s that look? Glad you asked:

That look sets in around the sixth month. They think they can change people, but the reality sets in that jail is….appropriate “on occasion”. That’s when the humor starts.

Most good humor starts once you realize no matter what you do it probably makes no difference. I have pee your pants funny emails from probation that if FOIA’d would probably end multiple careers. The word shitbag has and will continue to be used by all parties.

A few are wild people, especially the probation officers who go to defendant’s houses. I know multiple that have been shot at while at a client’s house. People have no idea how dangerous the hood is…yet they go, come back, and are like “bullets be flying off at Queen drive again!”

I refuse to go with them unless I am given a bullet proof vest and AR-15.

My request is pending.

DRUM ROLL…at number ONE, the funniest people in a courthouse are the…

1. Bailiffs

Bailiffs are gifts from God. Many of them are retired law enforcement, meaning they not only can take criminals down…they have STORIES FOR DAYS.

They remember your defendant’s granddaddy. “LOOK HIM UP! He ran drugs on the West Side in the 70s, funny guy. Gave out great Halloween Candy. He’s in Federal Prison or dead, not sure. Miss that guy, even though he was a drug dealer that shot at people.”

They will find you when you are needed, especially when you think your trial partner is covering the next case. “Kong, you are up! Get you butt in there. Judge is getting HOT!”

Bailiffs have a lot of downtime and make for excellent trivia buddies. Spend six hours on your phone and you’ll learn some things, like what really happened on 9/11.

Bailiffs will shoot the breeze with you until the SECOND a judge a walks in, then somehow change gears to being serious. It’s wild to be talking about Seattle making the playoffs then “ALL RISE.” You can be talking about the craziest thing ever, they are laughing, almost ROLLING on the floor, then “ALL RISE.” The best.

What do you think? Did I get it right? What would you change?

Leave a comment or hit me up on twitter, at bowtiedkong.

Namaste,

KONG

***I may have underrated Judges. Behind the scenes they have moments of hilarious honesty. Let me know if you think I should add them as #6***