Courthouse Survival Guide
Level one - Ratchet
Each courthouse and courtroom is its own ecosystem. Behaviors fly in some that do not work in others. I have been in lively courtrooms, and I’ve walked into graveyards. All have common courtesies and customs. Here is a breakdown of how to be less of a fucking moron when entering a courthouse all the way through your court date:
FIRST: dress like you are going to a formal event. This varies by person and socioeconomic status, which is ok. A suit and tie is recommended. One benefit is being confused for an attorney and skipping the security line. Worst case, everyone in the building treats you with respect.
I have given better offers to well dressed defendants than slob nobs. Show up like this and I’m less excited to cut you a deal:
(picture via El Google)
My favorite is the 300 lb. person in the all red jumpsuit. Practicing color varieties for prison? What makes a giant fat person think matching velour is appropriate for somewhere in public? Were sweatpants too dressy? Drives me nuts.
You act how you dress and vice versa. One of my favorite ways to snap into action is putting on a suit and tie. When you wear a Halloween costume, you act a fool.
We recently had a crackhead come to court impersonating a defendant who, hilariously, was a crackhead. One of the giveaways? The impostor crackhead dressed nicely for court. Nice try. I know Rufus, he dresses like a garbage can.
SECOND: Be polite to EVERYONE. Coming into a courthouse entitled is a great way to end up in contempt. Word travels fast when as asshat is in the building. Security tells the clerks, clerks tell the bailiff, bailiff tells the lawyers and the judges. Middle school never ended.
Judges get irked when court personnel are treated poorly. There’s zero reason to be disrespectful to someone trying to help you out. I have seen Judges come on the bench HOT after hearing about a clerk being cussed out. Court Clerk Mafia is like the E4 Army mafia - you cross them, good luck getting any request fulfilled.
Don’t know which courtroom to go to? Sorry, security now only speaks sign language. Clerks and lawyers too. WEIRD!
Lawyers love clerks. They consistently bail us out, send us the correct forms, send us funny chats on zoom. You mess with my clerks, now I’m pissed too.
Best practice is please and thank you. I get civil society is breaking down, but please and thank you is too easy. Again, I’ve given better deals to defendants who say thank you. Dress well and say thank you? Might get a dismissal if you play your cards right. Not for a felony, of course, but a criminal trespass? Probably DOMSA’d.
Third: Be quiet in court. No one wants to hear you parade into the courtroom. We also don’t care about your ringtone. This applies mostly to the gallery. People walk in talking on the phones like they are Michael Douglas in Wall Street. Do your drug deals OUTSIDE the courthouse.
Cell phones going off is another pet peeve. Sometimes, I know it is hard to believe, but lawyers do deals in court. There is a rhythm and flow to a court call. When we get breaks, we talk.
“How much do you really care about ____?”
“Are you lifting tomorrow morning? Yes supervision works.”
“Your client is a scumbag, it’s conviction or trial. Damnit the mic was on. Damnit again for swearing, sorry Judge and clerks.”
When your phone goes off, and YOU ANSWER IT, the flow ends.
High comedy when a phone goes off and it gets answered in court WHILE A JUDGE IS TALKING. I’ve seen a justified phone confiscation turn into a contempt charge. Fun times.
FINALLY: stop talking over Judges and lawyers. We have things to do people! Want to annoy everyone? Talk over a Judge when you are the last case of the day. EVERYONE is hating you. EVERYONE. It’s 4 pm, shut up and hear the instructions. No one cares you are innocent. First off, you probably are not. Second, TALK TO YOUR ATTORNEY.
Defendants love talking when THEIR STATEMENTS CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST THEM. Talking at 4 PM over a Judge? Death penalty. In my mind, of course. Seriously, we all look around, send DMs, poke our defendant voo doo dolls.
Peanut crowd chatter is worse. Oh, you are not part of this case AND have thoughts? Well, please, ENLIGHTEN US. We definitely want YOUR TAKE ON LEGAL ANALYSIS. The times someone in the gallery has added something positive by talking over the Judge = Zero. STFU.
If you follow the above, odds are you show up to court on time, get a better deal, and ideally never have to come again if a traffic ticket. Stop being NGMI and be quiet.
Namaste,
KONG
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