Avoiding public masturbators

An updated PSA

king kong, sitting on a park bench, he is alone, he is in a park, there is a woman on a bicycle riding by him

I wrote about and became somewhat BowTied famous for writing about public masturbators Fall 2022. It is free, so if you like my writing and don’t want to support me and feed my kids (cool, I guess…), OR if you are a subscriber and want to know the prelude, read that first…

On that note…

Fall is a fun time for all, especially creepy dudes that want to make eye contact with you when yanking their junk.

Public masturbator season is known in the legal community, and becomes popular late Summer and early Fall.

Why?

Because families are out, high schoolers run cross-country, and these dudes LOVE to expose themselves to kids and families, especially women.

I prosecuted MANY public masturbators in my day, and they all usually came to court looking exactly how you’d expect.

One court security guard used to run through their pictures with me during breaks of court:

“here’s ten years ago, looks ok. Here’s after, you can tell he was doing meth. Look at what meth does to you, we should put this on a billboard. Now look at from last night, holy shit that dude is fucked up!”

(Yes, this is what lawyers talk about during court. It’s not usually related to the cases, it’s more pointing out how ridiculous everything is. Or…maybe that’s mostly me.)

You need to protect yourself and your family from these creeps! Here are the top five locations for Fall Public Masturbators:

FIVE - Bus stop bench

These are usually the most cracked out of individuals. They will casually sit next to you, say hi, then unzip their fly and go to town! Summer is too hot to work up a sweat, winter is too cold, Spring is too rainy. Fall is just right. A cool breeze, cock in hand, what more can someone on PCP ask for? The telltale sign this is coming is when they start smiling and looking at you. They don’t want you to see their hands right away, so they’ll distract with crack head talk:

“WHAHJFJKJLKHAFHHFHHFHASDH BUS?”

“YOU GOT CHEEEEEEEETOS?”

“Life is like a box of CHJFJJKHSIOASKJDHHGF”

If this happens, give them a ha….just kidding. Get up, run, call the police. Odds are you are not the first person to SEE this, but might be the first to call police. We would arrest people and other LAWYERS would go “I saw him masturbating last week, it was weird.”

Weird? First off, you watched him for how long? Second, that was your response? Like seeing a Democrat tweet about Kamala being tough on the border, you thought it was weird?

Lawyers are less smart than you think. Moving on…